Woah.. I am already feelin the pressure.
It's hard to figure out where to start..
I think maybe some background and reasoning would be a good place.
Why am I blogggin?
Well, because I want to! ha. I guess mostly because I feel a big change coming my way and I don't wanna chicken out so if I write down the journey as I figure it all out for the interweb worlds I gotta stick to it. Also I think it will be a good way to explain myself. My thought with this blog or the "theme" will probably be all over the place. Just my life. I will talk about serious stuff, things I like and review them, silly things probably even dumb stuff. But more then anything with this I don't want to be scared of being who I really am.
Also.. Disclaimer. I am not a person who has perfect grammar. I mean thank goodness for spell check or this could be a huge mess. So sorry to all you grammar wizards out there! I am new to blogspot stuff and so I am sure it is all going to be pretty rough for the first bit so don't judge too harshly!
Well this post is going to be heavy but I just gotta get it off my chest. If you actually know me it's not going to be any sort of surprise, but uh... Here we go...
Soo... I tried this whole bloggin stuff over a year ago and only came up with this one post..
And then I never even shared that blog link for anyone to read it.
I was too scared to voice my opinion or share any of my thoughts and never posted again.
How weak!!
Well I am here to say I am going to be who I want to be and not feel bad about it because if I have learned anything it is that life is wayyy to short to not be happy.
It sucks that I am going to disappoint people but ya know what?
I really am sorry but also terrified. T E R R I F I E D!
Ultimately what it comes down to is that it just isn't fair that I feel so guilty all the time
for not being who ya want me to be.
Guilt is the worst feeling, and I didn't even realize that was what I was feeling until 3 days ago.
I just realized you are probably assuming all kinds of things about me. "What do you mean you wish you could be who you want? "Guilty about what?" "What did you do?!"
I didn't do anything.
I really try to be the nicest person I can be.
Bottom Line;
I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon" "The Church" "LDS"
When I was growing up we moved a ton and then ended up in Utah and have been here since 1999.
I grew up in different parts of Utah County. "Happy Valley"
Where pretty much everyone is Mormon.
I am the oldest with 4 siblings.
The pressure of being the oldest is... pretty heavy.
I just want to be a good shining example!
But I honestly feel like such a failure most of the time.
School and I weren't really friends. I barley got through high school,
(which you can probably tell from my writing /: )
I am a serious black sheep in my family.
I didn't.. don't really wanna go to university.
If I had to take another math class I would surely die.
I am not married or even close in the slightest..
So what do I have to show for in this life so far?
Around here that pretty much spells out failure.
And 3 days ago I realized it's not. Failure isn't even a thing.
Neither is wrong.. It's just a different way.
Just a different way of doing things.
It's not easy and lessons will be learned and tears will be shed, but it
is just how that dang cookie crumbles my friends.
I,Taylor do not like the church.. I am pretty over it, have been for a long time.
I have tried sooo hard to make it work for me. I wish more than anything that it was easy.
That it just clicked like it seems to for everyone else around here.
But I find that I am just playing pretend and I ultimately deep down I am not happy in the slightest.
And that is a really scary thing to admit REAL SCARY.. especially with where I live, the family I have, having a brother on a mission, what I have been told my whole life,
and with some of the dearest friends that I have.
I would like to think all these people will still love me but I am terrified they wont or that our
relationships will change. Which is why I have just been playing a long all these years. I don't want to lose you. But I am realizing I am losing myself which is even scarier.
I picture my parents reading this and feeling pretty heartbroken, probably even mad.. and I am sorry mom and dad. You did nothing wrong. I know the church is everything to you and it has gotta be hard to watch your child not wanting to be apart of it when it is your whole life and you know it to be true.
I do appreciate the things I've learned and the people I know. I am not here to bash on anything, no no that wont be any part of this blog or anything like that. I just don't want to be a part of church anymore. I'll support you and be there. But it is just not my thing.
And maybe I'm making a huge mistake and will come around and if that happens I'll eat my words. But I doubt that will be the case for me. I have given this more then a lot of thought, and I am still terrified. Not about not wanting to be a part of church stuff but disappointing everyone that is.
So.... all I ask is for your love and support and if I don't have it.. well that is pretty heartbreaking and what I have been fearing, but know that I will always love you.
T.
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